Wallowing in the mire

November 9, 2008

Just two days, and I'm wallowing in the mire. I literally can't function beyond doing my little morning jobs and getting under the covers. I feel despondent, hopeless, worthless, beyond sad, and ready to die. And after such a good period, too. Yeah, I dreaded the whole social whirl that took place last weekend, but it actually turned out to be a good thing. Susie arrived Thursday. We picked her up at the airport and it was wonderful just getting to talk to her. Then we went out to eat at the Chinese restaurant.

The next day, Halloween, Carol arrived around mid-afternoon. We went trick-or-treating with April and the kids, and it was so much fun. Little Ava wanted to take turns being held by us and Aiden ran from house to house, even the scary ones. I know Susie and Carol loved being around little kids, and I just wish they could have grandchildren.

The next day, Saturday, we talked all day until our cousins came. Steve and Dave are, as the girls said, very nice. I was so scared to meet them, but I'm not afraid of them anymore. I enjoy emailing them. George took us all out to dinner at Aspen and then we went our separate ways since they had to leave early in the morning.

Then came the historical night, November 4th, when Barack Obama was elected President. What a joyful moment! George cried, and I don't blame him.

Aiden got to spend the night the night before, so he went to the election with us, and I let him have the honor of filling in the oval for Obama. Someday, if he even remembers, he can say that he helped elect the first black President of the United States.

Now about the horrible Duragesic patch. It ought to be banned and its makers in prison. It is so insidious, and it doesn't even work to kill pain! At least not for me. It doesn't diminish pain at all and never did. When you first start on it, you feel euphoric, but it doesn't last long. V-e-r-y soon, it just becomes a matter of feeling normal, whatever that is. You realize that without it, the endorphins curl up and die, or whatever process it is, and you feel hopeless, helpless, worthless, and you just want to die. You feel like you can't go on through another day, another day the same as the last.

What do I feel so terrified and guilty about? Nothing is going to hurt me, as far as I know, anyway. What is there to be so afraid of? I don't have to leave the house except Tuesdays and Thursdays when I pick up Aiden. He's so dear and so much fun. He's the only thing that makes me feel I'm doing something worthwhile even though I don't work anymore. I know I've brought a lot into his life. And oh, the memories of the fun and special times we had. Especially that summer of '07, which was close to the happiest time of my life, if not THE happiest.

Oh, how I hate November...the dreariness, the cold, the whole pre-Christmas mood, hearing "Fill your heart with Christmas" on TV, worrying about gifts. This year, I'm going to take the easy way out and just pay it like a bill - put cash in envelopes for everybody. Treat it like a bill. I wish we could just go away. I truly do. I wish I alone could go stay with Susie for awhile. Maybe even take Aiden, although I doubt April would let me.

Please, someone, something, help me back to my resolution to take things "one day at a time." If I can only do that and not think about what is or isn't ahead.