Lowest of the Low

It's a sunny afternoon and I am about at the lowest point a human being can be without being considered in the grips of a full-blown nervous breakdown. Tears are coming out of my eyes. I need George, but he's outside raking all the fall leaves. It's the heart of fall right now, colors and falling leaves everywhere.

I've tried to be good today and fight the fight. I cleaned all the pet cages, washed the kitchen floor, did the laundry, filled my pill containers with pills that cost hundreds of dollars but do nothing for me, then went to Kroger and bought a bunch of sweet food and my every-night dinner, cottage cheese and applesauce. I've kept my weight down to about 122 even though I eat Sun Chips and frosting out of the can every night after George goes to bed and I'm up watching TV.

I just want to get it over with and end it all. The only reason I don't is because I just can't do it to George, and the rest of the family, too; especially my dear, precious little Aiden, of course. His voice is about the only thing in the world that cheers me up. His enthusiasm is so contagious that it can't be denied. Maybe I'll feel better when I get my 75 mg patch tonight. The first day was actually fine. Yesterday when George played golf, I slept most of the day, as I had Friday.

I'm not taking Tamoxifin like Dr. Khan thinks I am. I eat a horrible diet. I'm supposed to be dead by now and all I have is this tumor. How long is it going to take to die? Dr. Khan said it would take 8 or 9 months, and that's about how long ago it was that she said it and here I am, just ticking along, while sweet, good, happy women die of this disease every day. And I'm stage four! Oh, what a relief it would be to just have a quick death, right here at home, with no guilt.

Good things I should be happy about: Joy and I are getting along better than we ever have. I'm certain that the $4150 I gave them didn't hurt any. If they can just get their bills together and learn how to manage their money, it will be worth it. I don't know about April. I can't say I'm sorry she married Nick because then there would be no Aiden, Ava and Annaliese, and I adore them. I just love little Eskarina, too, because she's such a good baby. Greta and Mickey barely speak to me anymore. I've warmed up to Casey. Charlie is kind of a little pain right now, but I shouldn't say such a terrible thing, and if I stick around, I know I'll come to love him, too.

I care deeply about Obama winning the election. Only about 16 days till the election. I never wanted anyone to win so badly.

Here are a few things going well in my life:
1. My weight
2. George being so good to me.
3. Getting two Aiden days when I thought he'd be going to all-day kindergarten.
4. My long hair which grew back from nothing.
5. Forgiving Jon and even enjoying talking to him.
6. Seeing Susie and Carol in two weeks.
7. Maybe going somewhere with George.
8. Knowing my money is safe.
9 Being able to help my daughters before I die.
10. My dear little anoles, birds, crabs and yes, Big Kitty.

I wonder if there's a way to end it which would look like I didn't do it myself. If I overdose, they'll know. One thing I'll have to do is protect George from any suspicion. How about this? I rent a room at a really fancy hotel with my printer so I can work on notes for everyone. Then I can get in the jacuzzi, put all my patches on my neck at once, swallow a bunch of Xanax and then, while the warm bubbles surround me, drink Southern Comfort in honor of Philip, who predeceased me by almost twenty years and left me with some of my best (and wildest) memories.

And oh, the memories...I wish I could write a book about my life for the girls to read someday. Would it ruin my image in their eyes? I don't know. They both messed up their lives by marrying early and having babies right away, while I allowed myself several years to be part of the work force and have some fun and independence.

Starting the patch was the worst, worst mistake I possibly could have made. I kicked it once. Why would I want to do it to myself again? I guess because I was in so much pain last fall from those horrid shots I had after chemo. What a waste of money. I'd do anything not to have started it. I want to kick it totally by Christmas, but then what if I can't get my Norco? Dr. Khan says she's not going to give me as much. She did give me 100 and I was all excited, but then I realized it was for two months. If I have to buy it on the Internet, I'll just have to.

I'll have to write on some substantive topics one of these days. I'm not what I used to be mentally, but I think I can still write.

One thing I can be assured of is that this depression will go away, as it always does. But even when it goes, there are no real happy times anymore except sometimes with Aiden. I think I've been through so much hurt that I'll never truly get over it because I know now that it will never last. Please, please just let me go.